Hard Times in Happilyeverafter Read online

  They walked through a couple of chambers with nothing to show for their travels. Edna kept looking at her hands, hoping to see them transform into youthful taut hands from the water she’d licked off the wall every time she saw a small wet spot on the rocks.

  Suddenly her small lantern became covered with small furry animals blocking the light from showing her path. Dobson was faring no better as he swatted the small critters that looked to be about the size of a plum.

  “Don’t hurt us; we just want to keep warm,” said the lead furry critter, but Dobson became fearful as they jumped inside the legs, arms, and neck openings of his clothing, going deep for warmth.

  The two speculators yelled and jumped up and down, swatting the small living slippers as they wedged themselves tightly against their skin. The lead slipper kept telling them to relax and share their warmth with them, and they would in turn help them through the dangerous caves. But the two humans kept swatting as they pulled off most of their warm outer clothing to smash the critters against their skin. The critters screamed as some fell to their deaths with the rest jumping to safety.

  “Don’t hurt us; we are helpers that crave the warmth of your bodies. If you share with us, we can cover you up and keep the cold off you too. Please let us return for the warmth, as we seldom come across a warm-blooded creature, and we will help you.”

  Smack came a hand down on the leader, smashing him to a multicolored goo that glowed from the light of their small lanterns seen in the dark chamber. Edna could feel the wetness on her hand and held it up to the light and tried to wipe it off on the wall.

  “Ooh, let’s get out of here, honey,” yelled Edna, still swatting and running with her lantern shining again and picking up an opening to the next vault that was yards ahead. “Dobson, hurry; the creatures are staying away from this room, and it looks clear ahead.”

  The two stumbled into the next room half-dressed and frightened. They walked several yards unmolested and suddenly their lanterns were snatched from their hands by an unknown force and dashed against the cave wall.

  Whoosh came a strange sound as something whizzed past Edna’s face, pushing a slight breeze against her bare skin.

  “There is something strange in here, Dobson. Ouch; it hit me in the face.”

  A lizard appeared and said with joy, “They are full of salt,” meaning Edna and Dobson. “Lick them, my friends, and you will taste the nourishment.”

  Soon the two humans were pummeled by raspy tongues pulling on their skin. The lizards that found the salt started to glow and give off an eerie green light. There were more and more visible creatures around them with tongues slapping every open area of skin. In only a few minutes, there were many green lizards visible and sitting up around them with others soon popping into view.

  “Their tongues are hurting me,” screamed Edna. “I can’t see.” Edna moved toward one of the lanterns that was still giving off light. She lifted it high and could see the cave going into another chamber fifty or so yards ahead. “Come, honey, let’s get out of here.”

  Soon they were surrounded by glowing lizards sitting and looking at them in the dark.

  The potbellied lizard leader spoke. “You don’t want to go into the next room. I’ll tell you that for sure. There are spiders in there bigger than you, and they are meat eaters, as you know. Why don’t you stay here and we will just lick the salt off your skin? We won’t harm you in any way.”

  “How do we get to the special spring?” asked Dobson.

  “You would have to keep going, but we could bring you some of the special water if you will stay.”

  “How long would we have to stay?” asked Edna.

  “We would love you to stay for all time. And with the special water, you could.”

  “Bring us some of the water and let us taste it,” said Dobson.

  “We could bring you some albino clams too if you are hungry.”

  “No, we would just like the water,” said Edna. “Please hurry, we are so parched from our trip.”

  “Will you let us have some salt?”

  “If you can hurry,” said Edna.

  Two lizards dashed into the next room and were gone.

  “How will they carry the water?” asked Dobson.

  “In their stomachs,” said the lead lizard. “You put your mouth up to their mouth, and they bring it up to you.”

  “Gross. Let’s get out of here, Dobson,” said Edna.

  Dobson grabbed the lantern that was still shining and they both hustled toward the next room with the lizards stopping short before entering.

  “Stop; don’t go in there,” said the lead lizard as they went through the natural archway in the cave. It was dark and quiet as Dobson switched the light off and breathed a sigh of relief. They walked several feet without any light to guide them but could feel a presence.

  “I’m going to light our lantern,” said Dobson, fumbling for the button to the device.

  “I think this cave is empty,” said Edna, breathing a sigh of relief. They both were temporarily blinded by the lantern light as its full power was an incredible contrast to the complete lack of light in this vault. When they finally got their sight back, they saw the creatures, and they were huge. So big and so many that Edna and Dobson were standing in the only open spot in the room where the spiders were not. Edna felt faint, but her husband caught her before she fell on the rocks.

  “There is no need to fear, for we are not at all that fond of eating your kind,” said the lead spider in a voice that resembled a slow, ponderous, talking cat. “You are so big that the marinade takes days to make you juicy and by that time you begin to spoil. We do have a use for you though, and it is much more pleasant indeed.”

  “Can we just go into the next room and be gone?” asked Edna, hoping this would be an okay solution.

  “If you went into the next room, it would be the end of you in short order.”

  “What’s in the next room?” asked Dobson, knowing they would eventually want to sneak away.

  “Strange creatures are there, but they don’t multiply. Beasts can take on any shape and put an end to you with huge teeth, big muscles, and hands that can wield weapons and crush you. On top of that, they can grow to huge sizes in just seconds and love to squash others for sport. If one of our kind gets into their room by mistake, we never see them again, but we hear the screams of agony.”

  “What do they call themselves?” asked Edna wanting to go through the arch and take her chances because of her deathly fear of spiders.

  “They call themselves the half-baked cartoons. They’re unlike anything you have ever seen and are angry for being rejected by the cartoons on the surface. They will surely take out their rage on you. We can feed you some of our food and just maybe we could get you some of the precious water if you would like.”

  “What kind of food do you have?” asked Dobson.

  “We have rats and mice right now,” said the leader, pointing at the ceiling with one of his legs, while a skirmish took place with some of the surrounding spiders. Two spiders were biting the potbellied lizards that had left to get the special water with the potbellies. They were dead now.

  “Good,” said the spider leader that had watched the lizards fall. “You can have lizard in a couple of hours if you don’t mind waiting. It is a delicacy to be sure. It’s a nice and juicy fruit with a sweet flavor and just a touch of salt. The juice will nourish you for hours, and you will gain great energy.”

  “We need to keep going to get to the special spring,” said Edna, “but maybe we can scare some more lizards your way.”

  “You can’t leave yet, until you tell us a special story. You see, we lack imagination, but if you can lend us some of your thoughts and make us happy for a short while we might let you go. But if you refuse, we will have no choice in the matter. But don’t worry, it is not that painful after the initial bite. You would get sleepy and dreamy, and it is a good way to leave, if you know what I mean.”

  �
��Will you give us time to come up with a story?” asked Dobson.

  “That would only be fair,” said the leader, getting closer to the would-be thieves. “Why do you want the water anyway?”

  “It will make us healthier, at least that is what we’ve heard,” said Edna, not wanting to disclose the real reason.

  “That’s not worth risking your life, and I’ll be sure to tell you that you are risking your life down here. Not from us, of course; you know we are very peaceful. Have you come up with a story for us?”

  “Not yet,” said Dobson.

  “You are trying my patience with this delay.”

  “Can we talk in private?” asked Edna.

  “Granted, but be quick about it.”

  “I can’t think of anything,” whispered Edna in her husband’s ear.

  “All I can think of is Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey,” said Dobson

  “You can do better than me, dear,” said Edna. “You’re going to have to come up with something, because I can’t think when I’m pressured.”

  “Do you have something yet?” asked the lead spider with a hint of anger in his cat-like voice.

  “No, we’re still thinking,” said Dobson.

  “Your time is up; so give us your best story.”

  Edna said, “Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey, when along came a nasty spider.” She realized what she said and grabbed her mouth for a second, then continued, “and sat down beside her and they shared her lunch that day.”

  Arthur Coin

  The spider leader was angry and said, “That will not do, and there is no sense in us keeping you as storytellers, so we will do the next best thing and that is to spin you up in a web and hold you until we are short of food.”

  “No, you can’t eat us. You said you are peace loving.”

  “We won’t eat you; it’s more like drinking you. And we are peace loving to a point, but we have no patience. I forgot to tell you that, but it wouldn’t have made a difference I don’t think.”

  Dobson and Edna tried to run but the spiders closed their ranks and the lead spider started the web, which wound around Edna so quickly she only had time for a scream. The spiders gnashed their fangs at Dobson, which kept him still.

  “Dobson, do something,” said Edna completely covered with the web except for her face.

  “Soldiers, pull her to the ceiling. Don’t worry, Edna, the web will keep you warm,” said the leader, as the soldiers pulled her to the top of the cave.

  “I’ll swing if you pull me up there,” said Dobson.

  “If you do, we will marinade you on the spot,” said the leader in a stern, cat-like voice.

  He didn’t move, and the leader spun his web around him, leaving only his face exposed.

  “Now, I want total silence out of you two. If you talk, there will be fangs in your neck within seconds,” said the leader looking up at the two cocoon-like masses.

  A young relative of the leader was happily jumping up and down with joy as he watched Dobson and Edna dangling from the ceiling. “Oh,” he cried and went tumbling into the cave of the half-baked cartoons.

  The cartoons were quick with a response with one of them turning his head into a hammer ready to strike, when the lead spider called to the cartoon from the archway.

  “If you spare him, I can give you some information.”

  The cartoon that was about to strike turned his head into a green monster head with a huge long neck and one big eye. “Give us a hint,” he said with his face almost touching the spider.

  “It has to do with a spring deep in this cave.”

  “So, what about it? And remember we don’t have any patience.”

  “The water is sought by the valley people to make them healthy.”

  “What good will that do us?”

  “Stop the water so they can’t get it, and you will enact your revenge.”

  The cartoon whistled out of his ears and said, “You might have something there.”

  “Take your little ugly brat and make sure you don’t cross the line into our cave again.”

  “Thank you,” said the lead spider.

  The cartoon left with his head turning different colors rapidly, which meant he was thinking. He went straight to the Mad Hatter who had given the people in the valley many incidences of trouble and for that he was duly exiled.

  The cartoon didn’t think the Hatter was mad, but everyone who dealt with him surely did.

  “What do you have for me, my boy?”

  “I got some information from the spiders. The leader wanted to save one of his relatives and offered me this: The valley has used water from a spring for health reasons, and it got me thinking.” His head started to change colors again. “I was thinking maybe we should make them pay for the discrimination against us by shutting down their fountain.” His eyes started popping out of his head with that message. “It might be easy to stop the flow, seeing that the water comes from this mountain.”

  “Good thinking, Whistle Head,” said the Mad Hatter. “Get the two nuts and the Whatyoucallit Beast and we’ll see if we can find the stream. If we find it, we can get the nuts to turn into a machine to block the flow while you leave the Whatyoucallit Beast to guard against anyone trying to stop our new high-level plan. As for me, I’m going to tea with the ruffians; they have an idea also. Now, don’t let me down, Whistle Head. You know you are my favorite half-baked cartoon, my boy.”

  “Thank you, boss, but Hatter, which way do we go?”

  “I would go the opposite way we usually go, because we haven’t seen this stream up to this point.”

  “But how do I do that?”

  “Well, my top thinker, when you come to a crossroad, take the one you haven’t taken before. And if you see any of those spiders, make sure you sick the Whatyoucallit Beast on them.”

  “Now toodle-loo and have a good day, and don’t think too much, my boy. Your head changing colors is hurting my eye.”

  Back at one of the Hawaiian islands, Star was furious with the professor for not having communicated with her by answering his satellite phone.

  Sister spoke up. “My arthritis is killing me today, Mona, and that melonhead is leaving us in the lurch. We’re about to blow our bank accounts on something we’re almost completely not sure of.”

  “It is beautiful property though, and I’m sure all of us would love to live here if melonhead doesn’t produce,” said Giggles.

  “Don’t talk like that,” said Sister, wanting the water more than ever.

  Star looked at her reflection in the glass window of the auction house. “Girls, can you keep me from looking at these reflections? My wrinkles are completely back.”

  They all took a seat listening to the auctioneer selling lesser pieces of land that went for about what everyone thought the property would bring. When the caller got to the prime piece of land that Star wanted, she just sat back on her hands and let the Trump people have their way for a while. The property was now at one hundred million, going twice, and Star raised her hand and said, “two hundred million.”

  This threw the Trump people off their game, and they barely got their hands raised while wondering what to bid. “We bid two one.”

  “Watch this,” said Star. “We’re going to save money by spending money. We bid three hundred million,” she called out loudly.

  The Trump people were stunned to hear the huge jump in bid and were to slow to counterbid. The girls got the property.

  “Now, we have to think on what we can do with this, if melonhead doesn’t come through,” said Star.

  “I told you, Star. I’m not taking no for an answer on this, even if I have to fly over there myself and lay in the fountain nude,” said Sister.

  Star shook her head with that comment, wondering how to answer.

  “I think we should open an acting school right on the beach and call it Acting University or Acting World,” said Charming.

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bsp; “We would always be remembered for helping actors and actresses rise to the top of their games,” said Fashion. “So, I’m in on the acting school, if things don’t go well.”

  “Listen, girls, we could keep most of the land for the school and give the melon a small part. He doesn’t deserve all this prime land, seeing how he won’t talk to us,” said Mona.

  “That settles it then,” said Giggles. “We keep the lion’s share and give the nutball one small piece,” she said laughing.

  “If he doesn’t call by tomorrow, let’s hop a flight for the Himalayas,” said Sister.

  “I think we’re rushing things a bit,” said Charming.

  “Rushing things? I’m really ready to fly tonight, to tell you the truth,” said Sister.

  “Okay, I’ll go,” said Giggles.

  Everyone looked at Star, and she said, “All right, I’m in.”

  “You all forgot something important,” said Mona Lisa.

  “And what would that be my, dear Mona?”

  “We would have to endure the elements and climb a mountain,” said Mona.”

  “It would be nice to have the water before we go, but that’s not going to happen so let’s make the best of things,” said Sister. “I’ll book the flights for us, and we’ll leave tomorrow night and sleep most of the way in first class.”

  Things were not going well for the professor. There were protests staged, with the main theme being that everyone’s mind would be polluted if the so-called television was allowed to continue playing. Of course, Humpty Dumpty was the main objector. He continued his campaign every night with a stump speech that would rival any speech given in American politics.

  “I’ll tell you all that we are importing trouble the likes that could shake the very fabric of our society. Don’t think for a minute this is harmless. Minds can be molded and done so in very undesirable ways,” said Humpty.

  Chicken Little jumped up and called, “The sky is not falling, but this could be the end. Prepare yourselves, citizens of Happilyeverafter. We have come to a crossroads.”

  “You are the evil one,” said Old Mother Hubbard to the professor. Then she took to snarling at him.