Hard Times in Happilyeverafter Read online

  Hard Times in Happilyeverafter

  W. H. Kangas

  Hard Times in Happilyeverafter

  Copyright © 2018 W. H. Kangas

  All rights reserved.

  This book may not be reproduced in any form, in whole or in part (beyond the copying permitted by US Copyright Law, Section 107, “fair use” in teaching or research, Section 108, certain library copying, or in published media by reviewers in limited excerpts), without written permission from the author.

  Our story begins in Hollywood. Professor Honeydew is there to see one of the richest leading ladies who everyone knows can play any role. She had been in the tabloids lately looking fairly dowdy along with incredible anger toward photographers.

  Ding, ding, dong went the chime on her door. Honeydew was a little nervous, for this leading lady was known for her impatience. He pulled on his tie to keep it from choking him while he waited for someone to answer.

  A servant dressed in a dark suit opened the door and said, “How can I help you, sir?” in his low voice. He had hands that could easily palm a basketball.

  “I need to see the lady of the house. I have a health remedy that I know will more than make her day.”

  “And whom shall I say is calling?”

  “Me, Professor Honeydew, back from a long trip deep in the Himalayas. I have found something that will excite her more than anything you could imagine.”

  “Wait out here, Mr. Honeydew, and let me announce you properly. If she is inclined to make audience to your discovery, I will be back to take you to the sitting room.”

  “Well, thank you, sir.”

  “The name is Dobson.”

  Dobson started the trek through the leading lady’s house that seemed more like a modern-day castle with artwork on every wall and drapery of the finest materials.

  “Ma’am,” said Dobson arriving. “There is a Mr. Honeydew here to see you. Should I let him inside?”

  “Honeydew. That name sounds familiar. What does he look like?”

  “I can bring up his image on my phone, ma’am, as he stands on the front porch.”

  “Yes, do Dobson. I think I’ll have you shoo him away, but let’s take a look at him first.”

  Dobson leaned over to hand her his phone. “Oh, that is one of those puppets, isn’t it?”

  “Ma’am, he is a breathing creature, a little strange but alive.”

  “Shoo him away, Dobson, and give him the rough treatment so he doesn’t come back.”

  “Ma’am, he says he has a remedy that will excite you more than anything you can imagine, and it’s from the Himalayan mountains.”

  “He found my curiosity button, Dobson, so go ahead and show him inside, but don’t forget to pat him down first.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Honeydew was even more nervous now but this little side excursion could very well bring him the money he would need to build his new laboratory on one of the best Hawaiian Islands. He could walk the beach on his breaks and watch the surfers and the women suntanning. He knew he was a lady’s man deep at heart.

  Dobson opened the door and said, “Please, come this way, Honeydew.” He brought the professor into the foyer and told him to keep still as he patted him down. “What is this?” asked Dobson.

  “It’s a bottle of water.”

  “Leave it here, sir, and you can have it when you get back.”

  “It’s the remedy. I must have it.”

  “I will carry it, Mr. Honeydew. Now come, sir, and only speak when you are spoken to.”

  Honeydew nodded as he got in her presence. He almost started his discourse but caught himself first. He wouldn’t have recognized her on the street without her makeup, and he was very glad she looked quite old.

  “Let’s get right to the point, Honeydew. What do you have for me?”

  “Water from a spring in the old city of Shangri-La.”

  “What will it help, Honeydew?” asked the aging woman with eyes all aglow.

  “Aging, my lady.”

  “How does it work? Tell me quickly. I can’t stand the suspense.”

  “You would drink it and some of your aged parts will become noticeably younger.”

  “How can I trust you? It might be poison.”

  “I’ll take a drink first, but you will lose that much water.”

  “Were you one of those puppets at one time?” questioned the leading lady with eyes burning so ferociously at Honeydew that he couldn’t hold her stare.

  “I did hang around with the act some, and they thought it funny when I got on stage a couple of times.”

  “I don’t think I can trust you. You probably know of my discontent with the puppets.”

  “Ma’am, I can assure you I have nothing against you.”

  “Get my mother, Dobson.”

  “Ma’am?”

  “Don’t give me that look, Dobson. She’s been wishing to be gone. Anyway, I halfway trust melonhead.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Dobson came back with the senior missus in a wheelchair, nodding off as he pushed her into the room.

  “Mom, would you like some water?” she asked, gently shaking her mother.

  “I would! I’ve been trying to get a drink for hours now.”

  “Here, Mom, have this bottle.”

  “Oh, thank you, my dear; I’m so parched.”

  The elderly missus turned up the bottle, and the bubbles started displacing the water quickly. “Oh, this is good,” she said. “I’m not sure, but it seems to be giving me a warm feeling inside.”

  “What are you doing, Mom?”

  “I’m getting out of this chair and going to the bathroom.”

  “You can’t walk, Mother.”

  “I just know I can for some reason. I feel good. Get out of my way, daughter; don’t be a nuisance.”

  “Give me that water bottle, Mother.”

  “No, it’s mine.”

  The leading lady snatched it away for her mother and guzzled the rest.

  Instantly, she felt the energy. She then reached and touched her face. It felt wonderfully smooth. “Dobson, get me a mirror.”

  In the meantime, the senior missus pushed herself up out of the wheelchair and started walking toward the bathroom.

  “Mother, you’re walking.”

  Dobson came back with the mirror and handed it to her. She was already stunned, seeing her mother rise out of the wheelchair. But she took a deep breath and pulled the mirror in front of her face very closely. It wasn’t a youthful face but an early middle-aged face that she was use to years ago and hadn’t seen in a while. She was more excited than she could ever remember and turned to the professor. “I want this water, Honeydew, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

  “Ma’am, it will cost you handsomely, for I need a lab on the beach in Hawaii in return for a supply.”

  “I have five friends; can you get us all enough water?”

  “That will be a problem, because it only comes into the square in a trickle, ma’am. I strategically picked you out as a powerful and wealthy star who was having problems with aging. To tell you just how difficult this would be, I had to go to the spring several times to get this bottle filled. That was in the middle of the night when a party took away attention from the spring.”

  “I will have this water, Honeydew, so come up with a plan to distract the people from the spring.”

  “I will do my best, but you will have to do your best to finance my project.”

  “I will get the money somehow. Tell me what you think it will cost.”

  “I’m thinking twenty million, but it could cost far more because the lab has to be located on beach property.”

  “Splendid! Tha
t’s just chicken feed for me and my girls. Do you have an idea for a distraction yet, Honeydew?”

  “No, ma’am, but I am a quick study so don’t you fret. I need a code name for you if I am to call you via the satellite phone. Why don’t I call you B L for beautiful lady?”

  “I could stand that, now that I’ve had a drink, but just call me Star.”

  “We have a deal then, Star?”

  “Yes, but I want some water to give to my girls.”

  “I do have another bottle but that will be all for a while,” said Honeydew. “I will somewhat keep in touch, Star, so please write down your personal phone number for me.”

  “We are going to be good partners. I can just feel it, Professor,” said Star.

  Honeydew went for the extra bottle of water. After giving it to Star, he left to talk with his partner, Beaker, who was more of his helper because of his ability to do physical labor.

  “Professor, this is good; we will finally get our new lab,” said Beaker, who was waiting in the car.

  “I told you we were headed up and up in every way you can think. I have our airline tickets, and we need to start for the airport. You just stick with me, Beaker, and you will always have a place to lay your head. We have to get control of the water, my boy, to make things happen.”

  “How, my great leader?” asked Beaker.

  “We go inside the mountain and divert the flow of half the output, then we FedEx the bottles to the ladies. I will show you how to carry out this procedure, Beaker, then it will be your responsibility from then until we get our new digs. Now, here is the tough part, we must set up a diversion so we can go inside the mountain unmolested. I’m thinking we can send subliminal messages over the monitor we are to install.”

  The populous of Happilyeverafter had hired the professor to set up a central monitor so they could see personally what the world was like and feel better about their self-captivity in their valley. Yes, some thought they were captives in their city, but anyone could leave through the main gate, which was the mouth of a cave that led out to a rugged snow-covered path.

  But the rugged path was not the deterrent from leaving. The deterrent was the lack of mineral water outside that would finally wear off and allow time to catch up with the disillusioned valley dweller. This was doubly emphasized by the fact that the water’s properties started to change as soon as it was bottled. People couldn’t take large amounts with them and return after a lengthy vacation. That was the reason so many of the inhabitants were never seen again, like Snow White after her star performance.

  You see, many of the inhabitants of Happilyeverafter were disillusioned because of boredom. They all had jobs they chose and could trade off at any time. These inhabitants didn’t have to work, except for their chores, but they almost all chose to work when nothing much happened in Happilyeverafter.

  Pinocchio was a guard on the trail to the entrance of the city. He loved the serenity of the mountains behind the path and had a good time saying, “Who goes there?” and hearing the echo. The problem was that nobody hardly ever walked the path, which in turn gave Pinocchio time to crochet potholders as presents for special events.

  Snow White’s prince husband liked to fish for trout and would take his catch to the Huntsman to dress for the table. The fish were taken to a cool cave by Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, after the latter became reformed, and the fish were stored for a feast on the last day of each month.

  Simple Simon and the Pieman would rescue them from the cave right before the party and slow cook them with different woods, smoking every batch. The Seven Dwarfs brought ale they brewed and which they too often sampled to make sure they got the recipe right, for which they argued incisively.

  But this one day was the only excitement and the rest of the time the food was completely made from vegetables that were eaten in every way imaginable. Wives were true to their mates and the husbands. It was a ho-hum life by the inhabitants that gained their fame from starring in huge, box-office smashes created by ultracreative people.

  “This is what we’ll do, Beaker, to test the susceptibility of Happy residents to subliminal suggestion. We flash pictures of something that these people don’t necessary use and see if it becomes an issue in the neighborhood. We can get the pictures from commercials on the internet. What do you think we should use as a test pattern, Beaker?”

  “Why don’t we use a picture of someone snorkeling? Then they’ll all leave to go snorkeling and we can easily fill the bottles.”

  “They can’t leave, Beaker. Do you know how I know this?”

  “I do know, I think. Because someone will come and claim their land.”

  “That might happen, but don’t you see them drinking a little water every day without fail?”

  “Oh, because it tastes so good; they would miss it.”

  “Beaker, they will get old if they don’t drink it.”

  “Old!”

  “Simmer down, Beaker; this is all top secret.”

  “Oh!”

  “How about this one for a subliminal message?” asked Beaker. “I would miss hotdogs if I had to live here for so very long.”

  “What did you say, Beaker?”

  “I said they don’t have hotdogs, and I would miss them, so let’s use hotdogs as our image.”

  “I say, old bean, you have hit on something special. We could get pictures of hotdogs with all types of toppings and see what happens when we flash the pictures of people eating them. Sometimes you are a whiz, Beaker. I will start gathering the pictures on our flight back to Happilyeverafter, my assistant, and hopefully they will go nuts for hotdogs.”

  “But, Professor, there’s no meat for anyone there. How will they make hotdogs?”

  “That will be the fun part—to see what they use.”

  The beautiful lady drank the water the next day from the spare bottle Honeydew gave her. She was going to save some for her friends, but thought they could wait for their own bottles, as she wanted the full effect. And on top of that, she might impress them considerably more by showing off her youthfulness.

  When she looked in the mirror thirty minutes later, she nearly choked on her own saliva. “I’m beautiful again,” she wailed as she spun around with grace and superb balance. She didn’t have one single pain anywhere in her body as she danced in front of the mirror, kissing the air with excitement.

  “I will have a new love, and he will wait on me hand and foot like the old days. I can’t wait to see the girl’s eyes when they see how I look. They should start showing up any minute, and this is going to be fun.”

  Star went inside her walk-in closet and picked out an outfit that showed plenty of skin—a miniskirt with a top showing just as much above the waist.

  “I was going to give this away, along with several others of similar fashion, but now I can wear them again when the party will allow for casual beauty. I am a beautiful lady again, and I will strut my stuff.”

  She heard the doorbell and rushed down the stairs to answer it before Dobson could shake the cobwebs out of his head. Giggles was by the front porch, leaning on a column to Star’s right. Star’s high heels tapped against the baked clay inlays of the porch as she went out the door. “Hi, Giggles,” said Star.

  Giggles was a nickname. These nicknames helped them conceal who they were when they went out in public. Giggles got her nickname from being the queen of romantic comedies. She did giggle a lot, which helped endear the audience to her.

  “Where is Star, and what gives you the right to call me Giggles? You know who I am, and I demand some respect, or I’ll tell your grandmother.”

  “Now that hurts a little,” said Star. “I don’t believe you’ve ever called me a grandmother.”

  “Go get her, and I will forget how you’ve been rude to me,” said Giggles, disregarding most of what Star was saying.

  “Giggles, I am Star; I found a new beauty product.”

  Giggles’s eyes grew with disbelief as she got close to Star’
s face. “I can see the family resemblance, and you could be Star thirty years ago. I can’t believe what I am seeing, because I know her family and I don’t remember you.”

  “I am Star, Giggles, and I found a way to recapture youth.”

  “I still know you have to be an illegitimate relation of some kind.”

  “I found the fountain of youth, and I can cut you in on the deal. It will cost you, but you can see it’s worth every cent you pay,” said Star, spinning in her skirt and puffing out the edges while her shoes tapped out a beat.

  “But this is a trick of some kind. Let me touch your skin if you are really who you say.” Giggles did. “There is no way you can look thirty years old in twenty eighteen,” said Giggles as she got close to Star’s face again. “I just want to touch around your elbow to see if the skin snaps back into place.”

  “Be my guest.”

  Giggles pinched some skin and pulled it away from the bone. It snapped right back into place.

  “This is teenager skin; there is no way.”

  Star realized she wasn’t going to convince Giggles at all. So, she decided to do the next best thing and have some fun with the situation.

  “When are your friends coming?” asked Star as she let Giggles stand with her on the front porch, which looked like the steps to the Parthenon.

  “They should be here any minute, and when they arrive I want you to fess up and tell us who you really are.”

  “Are you sure you need to know that?”

  “I am, because you’re going into Star’s house but mostly I want to know because she is your mother as I now can see. Your eyes, nose, and mouth are almost identical. I want to know who your father was, so I can look for his features in your face. But lastly, you’ll need to tell us because it’s not right her having a baby and not telling her friends. Are you going to cooperate?”

  “I will cooperate, so let’s go inside and wait for them. I’ll have Dobson bring us some lemonade.”

  “Forget the lemonade, dearie. We’re going to need something stronger, and I know she has plenty inside.”

  Dobson had the young girl fixed in his eyes when he finally made it to the door.